I Can't Go Home Again
by slincoln0000
Summary: Dragon Age Origins with the Dalish Elf origin. Starts off Mahariel/Merril, but will be Leliana/Mahariel.


Arynfel Mahariel woke from her nightmare screaming. _Tamlen! _She sat up violently, but gentle hands forced her down. "Aryn…you must be still. You were injured very badly."

"Keeper? Where's Tamlen? There was a mirror…I told him not to touch it but he got too close." Aryn looked up into the keeper's eyes and saw only sadness. Her own green eyes hardened in determination and she pushed the hands away from her. "Did you find a body?"

"No, but Aryn, we think the darkspawn took him."

Mahariel's eyes widened in horror and she choked back a sob. "I'm going back for him."

"Aryn, wait! You don't even have your weapons. I'll let you go investigate with Merril, because we need to know what that mirror is. But there's a Grey Warden already there, and you must be careful."

The elven warrior closed her eyes, her head swimming with emotions. _A Grey Warden? Here?_

"Da'len. Merril has your swords, but your bow was broken. Find Merril and go to the Grey Warden.

The elf shot up and nearly fell over as her vision blurred. "Keeper, what happened to me?"  
The older elf's eyes softened, and she stroked Aryn's face. "There will be time for that later, Da'len. Go."

Merril was pacing outside the tent and she launched herself into Aryn's arms the second the elf appeared. "Emma lath, I was so worred." Mahariel allowed her eyes to close as she relished in her lover's warmth.

"I'm okay, ma vhenan. But let's go rescue Tamlen." Merril said nothing about the unlikelihood of that happening, instead just releasing the other elf and offering her swords, hilt first. Taking them grimly, Mahariel led the way to the ruins.

When they arrived, they found a group of slain darkspawn at the entrance. "Perhaps this shem is a worthy warrior afterall," she said to Merril. There was no time for Merril to answer, however, and the two entered the caves.

Merril stopped to gape at the intricate writing along the cave walls, but Aryn interrupted. "We can't stop, Merril. Tamlen could be in trouble." Tearing her eyes away, the mage nodded and motioned for Aryn to lead.

The next room was recognizable to the warrior, and she became wary. Her fears became justified when three darkspawn rounded the corner and rushed them. "Stay back, Merril. If you get their blood in you you'll get the taint." With that said, Aryn drew her swords rapidly and launched herself at all three. She dodged a strike easily and beheaded the first darkspawn that reached her. The other two became wary and slowed, moving to flank her. Smiling grimly, Mahariel rolled to the right and cut the hamstring of the grenlock there. As he stumbled, she stood and with both swords stabbed the exposed neck. She had moved so quickly that the last darkspawn had barely enough time to react as she ripped her swords out and faced him. This one she let attack her and traded a few blows. When he moved on the offensive, she easily flipped the sword from his hand and cut his head clean from his body.

Merril stood calmly. Even though she was aware of her lover's battle prowess, it was still shocking to witness. "You beheaded them."  
Mahariel grimaced and attempted to wipe some of the blood from her hands. She was not exposed to their blood. _Good. _"Yeah, that was pretty gross. That was easy though, if all of them are such poor warriors, Tamlen could definitely still be alive."  
"Aryn, wait."  
"Merril – we don't have time!"  
The mage ignored her and grabbed her arm. Aryn allowed herself to be turned around. "Aryn, you must be prepared. You weren't as close to the mirror and you nearly died. The Grey Warden had to carry you back to camp. The Keeper's magic could barely save you."  
"That doesn't mean anything, Merril. Tamlen saw something in the glass. It might have saved him! He could be waiting for me, Merril."

Merril merely sighed. Tamlen was the closest thing to family Aryn had, and she would not accept reality until she saw for herself. The mage was worried. Tamlen's death could very well destroy her.

A darkspawn mage waited on the other side of the door, and Aryn had throw Merril out of the way. The mage was proficient in her own right, and she quickly distracted the mage with a blast from her staff. Aryn stood and took stock of the room. There was an archer in the corner and three of the little darkspawn were approaching from behind the emissary. "Merril, use your rock fist before they split too far apart!" Knowing that Merril could keep safe for a moment, Aryn flew towards the archer. She dodged an arrow and a few seconds later knocked the bow from his hands. Stabbing him quickly, she turned even as her blade entered his neck and raced back towards Merril.

The emissary was focusing his power on the other mage, and the other three were just now getting back up from Merril's grasp. The warrior knew Merril could handle the emissary for the moment, and so she ducked underneath a darkspawn's swing and engaged all three at once. When it proved difficult to go on the offensive, she spun out of the circle and got behind one. He was dead before he turned around. The other two were easily dispatched.

Merril looked like she had the battle in hand, and so she waited until the emissary finally dropped dead before she approached. The mage looked okay, and so the warrior began to race towards the mirror.

The elves watched in surprise as a large shemlen smashed the mirror into pieces. But Aryn barely registered Merril's yells as the suddenly felt dizzy, and then collapsed.

This time when she woke up, she was staring into the eyes of a human. "You're awake, that's good."  
Aryn's sarcastic retort died on her tongue as she found herself buried under her mage. "I was so worried, emma lath." The warrior's mood instantly softened and she returned Merril's embrace. However, when the elf began to cry, Aryn knew something was wrong.

"Will someone tell me what's going on? Where's Tamlen? Is he okay?"

The Grey Warden responded before the Keeper could. "I am sorry, young one. You're friend is gone. I'm afraid that whatever was on the other side of the mirror took him."

Mahariel's face turned to stone. She would not break down in front of a _human_ of all things. "And what of me? What has happened to me?"  
"Oh da'len," The Keeper sighed, "whatever happened…you have the taint."

In shock, Aryn did the only thing she could, and turned to Merril. Merril. Her Merril. But, no. She was tainted. She was dangerous. She could hurt Merril. So she did not look at the weeping mage, and she drew back her hand from hers. "There's nothing that can be done to get rid of it?"

When the Keeper shook her head, Arynfel nodded in resignation. "I will leave then. Is there time for me to make it to Banalhan? I will die fighting."

"NO." Merril shouted. "No, Aryn. Just listen, please."

"Arynfel. You will do no such thing, " Marethari cut in angrily. "There is a way, but you must leave us. You must become a Grey Warden…" At this, the human stepped back into view. "This is Duncan, the Warden Commander of Ferelden. He can save you."

"To live and risk not seeing any of you again? Do not ask that of me, please. This is my home."

Duncan began to speak. "There is a Blight approaching. By becoming a Grey Warden, you can help to protect your people."

Protect. That was Arynfel's duty. She was a warrior. But still…"This Blight is a human problem. Why should I help you?"

"Because, the Grey Wardens are not strong enough to face this alone. The king has gathered an army at Ostagar. But still, it is not enough. The Blight will not end at your forest, elf. Without human help, your people will fall.

"Get out," the warrior responded.

Marethari began to scold her, but Duncan shook his head. "Give her time. When she is ready, we will leave. We must hurry though, she hasn't much time."

The Keeper looked at her charge and smiled sadly. "You will make the right choice, Arynfel Mahariel. It is in your nature." Then it was just Aryn and Merril.

"Merril, I will find you…but please, I just need a moment."

After hesitating a moment, the mage pressed a soft kiss to the other elf's forehead and whispered, "You must go, my love." With that, she left.

Alone at last, Aryn broke. Tamlen was gone. She had failed him. She had failed her clan. And now she had to leave them…or die. She would never see Merril again. And she would be alone. Once she was left bereft of a family, and now she would be bereft of a home. For a few moments, Aryn allowed herself to feel. She fisted her hands over her eyes and choked back a sob. Marethari was right. It was never really a choice.

When she stepped outside, she could tell her clan had already received the news. The children were openly weeping, and the adults looked on sadly. But it was Ashalle to whom she would first speak.

She found her adoptive mother near her tent a distance away. Thankfully, it seemed that her clan would leave the two some privacy. Seeing Ashalle's tears, Aryn drew the other elf into a hug and whispered, "I will miss you, Mamae." She hadn't called Ashalle that since she was a small child, but she needed to now. "You are my mother."

The elven woman's tears came harder, but she pressed her face into Aryn's hair and responded strongly, "And you are my daughter. Never doubt that."

They simply held each other. Aryn was never very good with words, except with Merril and Tamlen. With Ashalle, all she needed to do was give her a look and the woman would guess her thoughts. And when they separated and Ashalle looked into her daughter's eyes, she could only see pain. "You will always have a home, daughter. Even if you cannot be here.

Aryn looked away briefly, but she turned back and nodded. Tears sprang to Ashalle's eyes as she spoke again, "Such little time for goodbye. Dar'eth shiral, daughter. You leave here with my heart."

"And mine stays here, with you." They embraced one last time before Aryn left, both their hearts breaking at what they imagined to be their final goodbye.

It did not take long for Aryn to retrieve her belongings. All she would need were some clothes, the armor she already wore, her swords, and the necklace her mother had given her before she disappeared.

Merril was waiting outside the tent with a new bow, and Aryn took it gratefully. They simply stared at each other before Merril leaned in and kissed the warrior's lips. It was gentle, at first. But then it grew more passionate and Aryn moaned as the mage bit her lip. When they parted, Aryn rested her forehead on the other elf's and allowed a tear to fall. "I will miss you so much."

The mage lifted her hand to trace the black lines that ran up the left side of her lover's face before she too began to sob. "I fight to protect our people Merril, but I fight _for_ you."

Merril smiled sadly into the warrior's neck. "Never forget that I love you, Arynfel Mahariel. You are never alone." They kissed one last time before Marethari appeared.

"It is time, lethal'an.

The two broke apart and Aryn gathered her things. With the bow Merril made strung over her shoulder, she bowed to the Keeper in farewell. "Thank you, Keeper. For everything." The Keeper struggled to remain stoic, but failed.

"Oh, Aryn. Da'len, live this life the gods have chosen. Do not live the waking sleep."

With a nod, the warrior walked through the line that had gathered to say goodbye. When she reached Duncan at the end, she looked back only once. She would not cry in the presence of a human.

"Are you ready, Aryn?" Duncan asked.

She looked at him, her green eyes icy. "It's Mahariel."

He blinked but nodded his acceptance. "Then let us go, Mahariel. Ostagar awaits."


End file.
